People are such fecking eejits.
Not all people, but some of them.
Particularly those who tell me to just “download the app” to do the most basic of tasks. I used to be able to manage my life, but now I have trouble ordering tickets, buying food, and opening doors at the bank.
“Push here when the green light is flashing,” the instructions on the door at the bank explain to me.
I push where I’m told, when I’m told, but someone gets stuck in the chamber in between the inside and outside, and the security guard gets cross, and all hell breaks loose.
I was just trying to open the door.
Who made it so hard?
Anyone responsible for designing a two-step verification method on software, is also a fecking eejit.
“You told me to download the app, and now it transpires that I must download another app to keep the first app secure? Will there be a third app needed?”
We can send live photographs from Mars, but we are unable to keep apps safe.
Everything is becoming harder to use! Booking tickets, buying food, getting in and out of doors. Everything and the place is overrun with fecking eejits.
Download the app.
Update to the newest version.
Insert the code we just sent you by text.
Use the QR CODE.
Fecking eejits, the lot of them.
Bring back the fax machine or better still, let us return to keeping up with correspondence with letters. Bring back hearing less about what everyone thinks about everything, and let’s all spend more time in silence.
Going to the cinema with a friend used to be one phone call ahead of the trip to agree a time, date and place, a week or so before hand. Now this same appointment can require a hundred or so mico-communications and a heavenly sky full of emojis.
Do you want to get a bite before-hand?
Great.
OK.
Let’s meet at 6
Can’t – got basket weaving until 6.10pm
OK
So how about 6.30pm
Cool
Endless.
And once you get to the film, it doesn’t end there.
You can’t simply relax and enjoy the cinematic experience. No. You must tell all the people that you don’t know on social media, what you think about the film. You are not required by the terms and conditions of the ticket to do this, nor do you have qualifications or work experience in this area, but that doesn’t stop you.
“I saw, “Towels in my Bathroom.” ” You write quickly as you leave the cinema. “…and I just wondered if the leitmotif worked as a post-post-modern denouement or if it felt too reductive?”
Send thought NOW, CLICK SEND.
Your response to the film must be original, tongue in cheek while being acutely aware of any challenging issues.
Then, instead of enjoying the apres-film chat and gossip with a friend you haven’t seen for a while, you spend the entire time checking your phone for replies to your comment about the film you just saw.
Did people like my comment, am I approved, am I the winner?
Congratulations!
You are the winner of the internet. Your response to “Towels in my Bathroom” was the best one. We have the director of the film here, to award you with the prize.
“I was so moved by your comment about my film” says the director in a live interview from their ski lodge in Switzerland. “I spent 3 years on this project, but your sentence simply changed my life. I was so overwhelmed by the sentence, in fact, that I decided to give you a boat. It’s a large boat, so I hope you can manage to keep it somewhere. Perhaps you live near a harbour?”
Suddenly there’s silence and the director of “Towels in my Bathroom” looks embarrassed.
“Ah…change of plans I’m afraid. We’re going to give the boat to someone else. There’s another person now, in Seville, who made a better comment than you so we’re going to give the boat to them. I do hope you understand. The runner up prize is a donkey”.
Then you have a donkey to take care of.
You have no donkey caring skills.
You don’t have the time to look after a donkey.
But perhaps the donkey comes to live in your garden and it’s not so bad after all.
Perhaps the donkey’s gentle ways make you smile, and you find that you enjoy feeding him and keeping him well. You enjoy stroking him in the mornings, and making sure he has enough to eat and drink. Perhaps for a moment you smile.
A real smile.
A smile from your heart because you feel like joy is inside you. This pleasant feeling is like happiness and contentment and peace. You don’t chase it all away but simply notice it there, and you welcome it in.
“Oh hello happiness, how are things?”
Happiness waves back to you, because it’s what happiness likes to do.
Shorter than me 
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