Virtually Running

The tourists have returned to Dublin.

They gather on O’Connell Street in herds of sensibly dressed people, shepherded by tour guides.  They carry appropriate rain weather jackets, and they eat breakfast early, in order to make the most of their forty eight hours in Dublin.  Some of them go on the open top bus tours, while others head to the museums, shops and art galleries.  Many of them stop for a Guinness along the way, and some of them book the horse and carriage trips.

They all take selfies near the Spire.

O’Connell Street looks like someone who’s been on an extended sick leave and has just returned to work.  Colleagues welcome it back and say, “you look great, we’ve missed you” but secretly they ask one other, “do you think it’s terminal?”

The tourists look bored.

It’s like they are not sure if the weekend is worth all the effort, and perhaps they are wondering about Fast Tourism in general.  They come with overly ambitious itineraries, which means they virtually run around the city to complete their #WeekendGoals.

“Yes, I’ve done Dublin” they say to one another as they race back to the airport, without having had any craic agus ceol.  Without watching the sunset from Poolbeg Lighthouse as the people fishing, pack up their rods and bags.  Without smiling at the swimmers having a dip, before the moon guides the ferries and the cargo ships out of the harbour, and over the seas, on the evening tide.  Without laughing themselves wretched with some of the city’s best residents.

One of the saddest scenes in Dublin is watching a tourist miss the views from O’Connell Bridge because they are looking at the screens on their machines.  They post their photos in their endless search for “likes”; but if everyone is uploading, no one can be viewing.

I am allergic to Smartphones. 

I didn’t own one until 2017, and I just bought my second one, which will be my last.  When this current one expires, I will return to the simplicity of a NOKIA mobile phone or perhaps a landline.

I don’t have an ethical dilemma about coltan, the energy needs of datacentres, the dangers of the blue light, or over consumption in general.  I just hate SmartPhones.  I hate everything about the slippery little bastards, from the sounds they make to the amphibian-like texture of their screens.  I hate the violently coercive effects they have on my day, and I hate their bullying tactics!  In particular, I hate the fact that they no longer complete the primary function they were designed to do.  Mine is almost always on silent, so as to be free from the never-ending ping, ping, ping; which means that I don’t know if anyone is calling me!

Never call me in an emergency.

I hate how Smartphones have smuggled their way into every day lives.

Just last week, I signed up to do the Dublin women’s mini-marathon and I was immediately asked to “just download the app!”

“Just download the app!” people say to me casually, as if they haven’t described one of the first circles of hell.  “Just download the app!”

What if I don’t want to just download the app, what happens then?

In order to do the Dublin women’s mini-marathon you can “just download the app” and take photos of yourself as you do the 10km route of your choice.  I assume you have to gaffer tape your mobile to your forehead to do this, as I can think of no other way.  You do the 10 km alone, but virtually with others. At the end of it, you present yourself with a medal which has been sent to you previously.

I can’t wait.

After I’ve done my 10 km on Sunday, I will present myself with my medal and I’ve already planned the few words of congratulations that I intend to say to myself.

I will say, “Ruth Powell, you may not be the fastest or fittest person in the land, but you are strong, and courageous and brave!  You are the most respected Welsh-Irish working class woman in this race, and we think your new ASICS runners are beautiful.  The fact that you run very slowly only indicates to us that you are a profound thinker and that you have wisdom, integrity and warmth.  Dublin is very lucky to have you as one of its residents, and congratulations on completing the 2021 Women’s mini-marathon”.

I’ll use my Smartphone to let you know how I get on.