The resplendent beauty of my bedroom door handle must never be questioned or denied. Its divine exquisiteness and intrinsic impartiality shouldn’t be ridiculed or ignored. The bedroom door handle watches daily scenes and tries to reflect what is there. It neither embellishes nor disguises simply shows what it sees, it’s a mirage, it’s a photo, it’s a dream.
This time last year I was in Hanoi.
I strolled around pagodas and temples and went to the most magical show on a lake called “The Quintessence of Tonkin” that had water puppets, dancing and lights. I ate delicious food and met new friends and had the joy of the freedom of travel. I miss travel now. I miss the revelry of the trip. The other night during a Jitsi meeting, my friend Julia practically screamed out “I want my privileges back” and I understood exactly how she felt. I want my privileges back too Julia, especially the privilege of travel. I crave my old life. I really envy my Buddhist friends at the moment, as they can observe the current crisis and think “wow, that all looks really impermanent. Thankfully, as a good Buddhist, I don’t crave the past or cling to attachments, so I’m not suffering at all right now”. Me? I’m much less mindful. I want the past back, at least the best bits of it, and especially the bit about travelling.
This time last year I was obsessed with Soviet designed RBMK nuclear reactors.
Who wasn’t?
It followed that HBO series about Chernobyl and all the follow up documentaries and films. One thing I’ve been thinking about this week was how stoic all the survivors seemed during the interviews, years later, especially the liquidators and the so-called bio-robots who had to clean up the mess and stop a further tragedy. So strong, and brave and lacking in drama. I’m not stoic at all! We are in the disaster and it’s happening now and literally all I’m being asked to do is send my emails from my apartment instead of my office. I’m hardly being asked to clean up nuclear waste and yet I’m making such a fuss of it.
Why is it yet so difficult?
The pendulum of my emotions swings deliriously each day from delighted happiness and contentment to fear and sadness and grief. Earlier today for example, on my masked run, I was experiencing happiness. The adrenalin of the exercise was flowing through my blood and I was imagining my first breakfast once I got home. Then I had to stop at the lights for a hearse to go by. The driver and the undertaker in the front seat of the car were both wearing masks and there was just one car behind it. The hearse was almost completely unescorted for its final journey, and this made me cry. Tears for an unknown corpse in the middle of Dorset Street. I noticed a woman on the other side of the street, and she seemed to be weeping too and she was trying to wipe her eyes with her inside of her elbows. Suddenly she called out to me “you alright?” and I when I told her I was, we both started laughing. Then I went back to my run.
It’s exhausting, this disaster, and there’s no end in sight.
Or is there?
There was a little bit of good news this week as the government of Ireland announced their five phase plan to get us out of this pickle and get us back to normal, so that was a relief of sorts.
“Leo, how many phases do you want in your exit strategy?”
“12?”
“Don’t be bloody ridiculous. None of the other countries have twelve phases. That’s too many phases. The people will panic!”
“I want 2 levels”
“Don’t be silly. They’re not levels, they’re phases and two is too few. The people will think you’ve just made it up out of the top of your head”.
“5?”
“Yes, OK, a five phase plan! That sounds believable. The people will follow that plan”.
At first, I rejoiced when I heard the outline of the five phase plan, but then I read it and realised that basically we’re stuck like this until autumn. That’s the plan! Stay where you are until the trees turn brown. Then I wondered if I had dreamt an election in which we had voted for a female Taoiseach, sometime in the past, and if that had even happened at all. Was that one of those odd, vivid dreams everyone is talking about?
After the initial shock though, I felt a lightness of being. Now I know this life is for the longer run I can plan better for it. I could do one of those online courses I signed up for in week one, and then ignored. Or I could lower my expectations considerably. I can slow, slow down the already slowed down and remove the last of the pretence to be normal as we have indeed sailed away from the harbour of Before and are adrift now on the sea of change! We are living through this disaster, this is it. The day is happening now. Waiting for autumn to come is not a very helpful plan and won’t be much fun. Be in the sunny afternoons now.
So let us venture on our quest through the five phases together, and let’s fight all the monsters that we see. My trials and tasks will be different to yours, but we can rest at the lakeside together. Take my hand, go on. Let’s open the door, press down on that handle, let’s see what’s on the other side.
Deep breath – we’ll be ok – we’ll see what’s on the other side together.
Shorter than me 
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